Part 10: Act X: From Here To Eternity
Act X: From Here To Eternity
With Slowbeef, Krakhan, and Dave_O!
Eve gets her revenge, but at what a price! The evil Oz Windham is dead, but our midget is off and running to Alexander Island. Golgo is hot on his trail in a shiny new blue helicopter? Where did he get it? Ah, who cares anymore?
The LP So Far:
Kunster is correct - we're now at new territory, LP-wise.
Now the game gets really cheap.
Slowbeef: WHAT HELICOPTER?!
Dave_O: She mentioned it. You have it in a pocket.
Dave_O: We've got it. Let's just plow through. We're plowin' through the end of the game.
Slowbeef: Krakhan, are you ready for this historic event?
Krakhan: I'm on the edge of my seat.
Slowbeef: I title it, "This video will desync at Act 11."
Dave_O: Seats? Fuck seats. I'm standing on my hands. I've taped cotton balls to my eyebrows to make them thick enough for this occasion.
Dave_O: I've seen this level before. Almost exactly.
Dave_O: Oh, this is new.
Slowbeef: "Just keep shooting up! I'm sure we'll hit something!"
Dave_O: "Why did we take advice from the pilots?"
Slowbeef: I like how they changed things up and gave us a blue helicopter. Oh wait, no, it's just a palette swap.
Krakhan: Well, the yellow one was getting old.
Dave_O: So, you're fighting jets, helicopters, and a dolphin. It looks like a dolphin. Or a shoe. Yeah, it's a shoe.
Krakhan: The Nazis' secret weapon.
Dave_O: Flipper is the Nazi secret weapon.
Dave_O: Can you make dolphin noises, Krakhan?
Krakhan: Woop! Woop!
Slowbeef: Auuuuggghhhh! Hey, I'm doin' it now.
Dave_O: This game. I love it.
Slowbeef: No, stop hittin' me.
Dave_O: Maybell, you should get a Golgo tattoo after beating this shit.
Slowbeef: Nobody knows that joke.
Dave_O: Maybell? Why do they need to know the joke? That's just what I call you now. Deal with it.
Dave_O: "Throw these basketballs at him!"
[Die and you get sent back to:]
Dave_O: What a bag of dicks.
Slowbeef: Why do they keep sending me back to things I don't want to do?
Dave_O: "Animate some spinning shit, Abe." "Okay."
Slowbeef: This game hurts my balls. Like, the Nazis have this huge fucking air force, a navy.... Didn't we kill them in World War 2? What happened to that?
Dave_O: Well, uh, we've been very unobservant.
Slowbeef: Krakhan, is my history crazy?
Dave_O: Hey, what did Canada do in World War 2?
Krakhan: Actually, we did quite a bit.
Dave_O: Oh yeah?
Krakhan: They were actually in the war since 1939.
Dave_O: Well, I've got three words for you. Franklin. Deleanor. Roosevelt.
Slowbeef: Well, I've got three words for you! Duke Togo, baby!
Dave_O: What if he were president?
Slowbeef: He wouldn't give too many good State of the Union addresses.
Dave_O: No, that'd be great. Fucking State of the Union comes on and it's on for three hours usually or whatever-
Slowbeef: And he would just stare at you.
Dave_O: -he'd stare at the audience and that would be it.
Slowbeef: Now, question. Where am I flying to? I miss that part of the game?
Krakhan: They didn't say.
Slowbeef: They said I was pursuing the mysterious fake. I didn't quite get that. At all.
Dave_O: I think it's a girl?
Slowbeef: She got shot.
Dave_O: Oh. The midget?
Slowbeef: How's he a fake?
Dave_O: He's a fake midget - he's actually really tall.
Dave_O: Did you beat that level?
Slowbeef: I think so.
Dave_O: "Alexander Island." I don't know where that is.... I don't know about the fake midget.... but it is cold.
Dave_O: In the South Pole?
Dave_O: I'm gonna have to mention - could someone tell me what color Golgo's suit is?
Slowbeef: It's black now!
Krakhan: He must've changed on the helicopter.
Guess where you start if you die!
Slowbeef: No, wait a minute. Are they kidding?
Krakhan: Oh no.
Slowbeef: I have the feeling I'm gonna die at some point and it's just going to be game over! I don't fucking believe this!
Dave_O: I'm afraid of that.
Slowbeef: I don't fucking believe this!
Dave_O: If you see the Statue of Liberty, just start crying.
Slowbeef: Can you believe they did that?
Dave_O: At this point, yes. I'm not surprised at all.
Slowbeef: And there's 13 acts! We're on Act 10!
Dave_O: Hey Krakhan, have you checked out the Eternal Darkness thread yet?
Slowbeef: And I'm killing those rocket launcher guys? Those aren't easy!
Dave_O: I know, and you deserve a pat on the back for defeating them.
Slowbeef: I don't believe this! I just don't! What kind of horrible sick fuck crap is this?
Dave_O: Vic Tokai. I wonder if every game they made is like this.
Slowbeef: They're secretly Jack Thompson. This is their plan to make you stop playing video games.
Slowbeef: I don't wanna fight rocket launcher guys!
Dave_O: I would stay in the helicopter. Why get out?
Slowbeef: I know. He's not even wearing shoes. It's snowy. It's cold.
Dave_O: That's how hard-ass he is. He's at the South Pole. "Fuck shoes."
Krakhan: So much for your custom M16.
Dave_O: What are you talking about? It's custom to look like a pistol and suck.
Dave_O: She has blue hair!
Slowbeef: I'm just gonna die so I can start here. If I don't start here when I die, the LP is over. That's it.
Dave_O: You're getting festooned with bombs.
Krakhan: I'm surprised Golgo can take that many hits from the aircraft carrier to begin with.
Dave_O: I'm not. That's what he has for breakfast. He just has an aircraft carrier shoot him in the mouth. He showers in missiles, if you remember before.
Slowbeef: When he shaves, he glowers at the mirror so hard, a shower of blood just bursts forth.
Slowbeef: Oh you can't even see the bullets because of the background!
Dave_O: This game is responsible for racism.
Dave_O: Think about it this way, slowbeef. No matter what else happens in your life, it won't be as bad as this. Your loved ones could die, your house could burn down but at least you can say, "You know what? This is not as bad as that one time in Golgo 13."
Slowbeef: I wanna go home.
Dave_O: You are home. Golgo's in your house.x
Slowbeef: "You tried to play my game? I'm killing you."
Slowbeef: I'm just getting a cigarette. I'm not pausing for the sake of pausing.
Slowbeef: Like who would.... who would.... why?
Slowbeef: Like didn't someone just say, "Let's go easy on him for like a minute?" This can't really be 13 acts, there's just no way.
Dave_O: There better be like balloons and confetti and naked girls and ice cream at the end. Brownies. They better mail you like $100.
Slowbeef: I better get a blowjob at the end of this.
Dave_O: From Golgo.
Slowbeef: Yeah. I don't even care. It doesn't matter.
Dave_O: The midget. Whatever. That helicopter.
Slowbeef: "Sir, are you even gay? Do you want this blowjob?" "I don't care. I want something. And I'm gonna get something. I don't even give a fuck."
Dave_O: Maybe there's an address at the end and you can send a letter and say, "I beat Golgo 13" and they send you like a dollar. Maybe they'll put you in Nintendo Power.
Slowbeef: Yeah, right! If you beat this game and sent the picture to Nintendo Power, they'd call you a dork. "Kid, I finished Castlequest, but you have too much time on your hands."
Dave_O: ....I wish I got that joke.
Slowbeef: Everything's the same! It's the same helicopters! The same enemies! Everything's the same! They threw a crocodile in the Amazon River and called it a day with that level!
Dave_O: Nothing can compare to the Spree River.
Slowbeef: They probably figured no one got past the Brazil maze.
Dave_O: You know, you can say with confidence that your are the best at Golgo 13 of anyone you know or will ever meet.
Slowbeef: That's a good point.
Slowbeef: You know what sucks? I'm innoculated to it now. It doesn't even make me feel better.
Dave_O: Oh that sucks. It always makes me feel better.
Krakhan: They only took two hits?
Slowbeef: They're actually not hard to kill, but they're so fast if you try....
Dave_O: They must be brittle from the cold.
Dave_O: You are - all joking aside - really good at this.
Dave_O: No, because, I played this and thought "This can't be that hard." It's hard. It controls so bad, and you're playing it online - I can't even imagine.
Slowbeef: There needs to be a trophy for this.
Dave_O: Vic Tokai will mail you one, but it's got all sharp edges and shit.
Slowbeef: You know what it is? This whole game was made by one guy: Vic Tokai. That's just his name. "Hey Vic, what happened to that video game you made?" "Oh, it was too hard."
Dave_O: "No one played it. I mean, I hope no one played it."
Slowbeef: "It was a really embarrassing period in my life."
Dave_O: Meanwhile, with Slowbeef. "This fucking game!" Drinking whiskey at age 5.
Slowbeef: ARE WE DONE WITH ANYTHING?
And then I die for like the fifth time (these two scenes took over half an hour to finish) and:
Slowbeef: AHAHAHAHA! I CAN'T DO IT. I SWEAR. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dave_O: Well, let's learn about the movie this is named after, "From Here to Eternity." Eternity is pretty good, because it's representative of what's going on."
Slowbeef: (long pause) I mean you gotta be kidding me!
Dave_O: Okay, From Here to Eternity came out in 1953.... This will make you happy. "In 1941 Hawaii, a private is cruelly punished for not boxing on his unit's team. While his captain's wife and second-in-command are falling in love."
Slowbeef: Isn't that Officer and a Gentleman?
Dave_O: (pause) Oh, and it has a character named Sgt. James R. "Fatso" Judson. What's not to love about that?
Slowbeef: Alright. Nominees for worst game of all time.
Dave_O: Uh.... Counter-Strike. It's mostly the people that make that the worst game of all time. But this is the worst game of all time.
Krakhan: I would say so.
Dave_O: If someone was like "Hey, let's play some Golgo" I would probably punch them in the dick. [Note: Ah, shit.]
Slowbeef: That was half an hour we've been here.
Dave_O: Half an hour?
Slowbeef: Twenty-eight minutes. And I don't have to audio sync shit. It's the same shit, over and over.
Dave_O: Don't post-process it at all. Just put it up as a tangled mess of shit and go: "Golgo!"
Slowbeef: I'll put it up as a raw, uncompressed AVI. Like, "You have to have difficulty too to experience it."
Dave_O: Overlay a hyena screeching over all of it.
Slowbeef: This game is best played with fire ants on your balls to get the full experience.
Dave_O: Or if you're a girl, fire ants inside of you. Genitalia and fire ants are required.
Slowbeef: Dave_O, that was sexist. If you're a girl, put live crabs in your vagina to get the full experience.
Dave_O: There you go, now it's an egalitarian Let's Play.
Slowbeef: And for the record, I don't mean pubic crabs, I mean crabs like you can buy from a store.
Dave_O: Like King Crabs.
Dave_O: And multiple. Like one won't even fit, but you gotta get at least three or four up there to really get the effect.
Slowbeef: That's what Golgo's like.
Dave_O: Maybe Golgo's penis is a crab. Who knows? That's why he stands like that.
Slowbeef: He walks like he shit his pants.
Dave_O: He does! Golgo's a goon.
Krakhan: How about if you die at the last level, you start all the way at the beginning?
Dave_O: I would rape Vic Tokai.
Slowbeef: And it kills you. Your Nintendo explodes and you die.
Dave_O: It shoots the cartridge out of the NES with enough force to kill you.
Slowbeef: I never realized - they halve your bullets every time you die!
Dave_O: What a barrel of dicks!
Slowbeef: Did you not realize you made the hardest game alive and you're making it harder?! "You died on Golgo 13, what's wrong with you? Take half his bullets!"
Dave_O: "The game's so easy!"
Slowbeef: This is like the final thing you have to do to become a Shaolin Monk.
Dave_O: That's why it was developed. Vic Tokai is actually a Shaolin Monk.
And finally, if you manage to go all the way right, after 6 rocket guys, and like 6 girls and 4 guys with guns and two PNZ modes, Act 10 comes to a close!
Dave_O: That was the whole act?